Refusing to Forgive Is a Sign of Poor Character
November 12th, 2006 (Forgive)
When you say no to forgiving, what started as a self-protective solution to pain - a way of coping with your indignation - ultimately leaves you feeling cold and bitter. What held out the promise of restoring your self-regard, creating emotional and physical safety, and providing a just resolution to the injury, doesn’t deliver - or delivers at a dear price. The presumed rewards of not forgiving, which initially seemed so attractive and healthy, turn out to be maladaptive in at least three ways:
1. Not Forgiving cuts you off from any dialogue with the offender and any positive resolution of the conflict. When you exorcise the offender from your life, you deny him the opportunity to respond to your grievances and earn forgiveness. Refusing to consider what he meant to you in the past, and could still mean to you today, you also deny yourself any possibility of reconciliation. In human relationships, there are so many unintended slights and misunderstandings. If both of you could only air your differences, it might change the face of the violation and soften your response.
2. Not Forgiving may restore your pride, but it cuts you off from an opportunity for personal growth and understanding. When you refuse to forgive, you transfer all the blame to the offender and make yourself unassailable. This proud pretense of perfection, however, is likely to mask a shaky interior. Wrapped in sanctimonious anger, never questioning how you may be wrong, you cut yourself off from an opportunity to look into yourself - to learn, change, and grow.
3. Not Forgiving may make you feel less empty, but it poisons you physically and emotionally and cuts you off from life. The venom that pours into your bloodstream when you refuse to forgive may make you feel less hollow, more vital, and more energized, but it may also leave you detached from life, blind to those who deserve your gratitude, cut off from tenderness, beauty, and joy. You may seek the solace of solitary pleasures - a book, a walk - or shared moments with old friends, but rage is likely to be the only feeling that resonates inside you.
Obsessed with getting even, you fulfill your basic need for protection and self-preservation, but leave no time to gratify your “higher” needs for peace, creativity, love, and connection.
Though hating may make you feel alive, it may also make you physically sick, or more susceptible to illness.