Self Help

When somebody deliberately wrongs you, it’s not unusual to want to inflict on him the pain he inflicted on you. But you should remind yourself that what usually brings lasting satisfaction is not hurting someone but having your own hurt understood and validated. And that’s unlikely to come from a recalcitrant offender, no matter how brutally you punish him.

Retribution is also bound to provoke the offender and set up an endless cycle of reprisals and counter-reprisals, with escalating bitterness and violence. Your mind is likely to become a battleground, overrun with fruitless fantasies of revenge that block you from living your life in ways that generate pleasure or meaning.

With acceptance, you learn to let go of this reflexive white rage - this blind need to wound or get even. You realize that though revenge may give voice to your pain, it will not douse your inflamed thoughts or feelings, or restore your place in the world. In the end, you’ll find that your wound remains unhealed, and that stoking your anger has brought neither peace nor resolution.

The goal of revenge is to crucify the offender. The goal of acceptance is to resurrect your best self. Revenge is other-directed; acceptance is inner-directed. When you contain your obsessions, the offender becomes less important to you than you are to you. Getting back or getting even becomes less important than getting well.

Keep in mind that when you accept someone, you don’t necessarily relinquish your need for justice or just punishment. Deciding to accept a partner who cheated on you or divorced you for your best friend doesn’t stop you from seeking legal recourse - hiring a competent attorney and going for the best financial and child custody settlement you can get.

Acceptance doesn’t demand that you seek justice or restitution, but it doesn’t preclude those options either. In the final analysis, the critical issue is not whether the offender gets his due but whether you free yourself from your emotional dependence on him and move beyond his transgression.

If you are feeling vengeful and may want to settle scores, we recommend that you first ask yourself:

1. In the end, what am I after? Do I want the offender to feel my pain? If I hurt him back, how will I benefit? Are there ways other than retribution that will get me what I want?

2. Ultimately, does it matter what happens to this person who violated me, so long as I restore my self-esteem and my capacity to live a good life? What response will best help me recapture my dignity, my self-respect, my sense of control over the world?

3. If he refuses to acknowledge my pain, where else can I go for comfort and support?