Marriage: A 100%/100/% Proposition
When people plan a wedding, often they focus on the big day itself without thinking as much as they should about the many years beyond the wedding day. But even as you are contacting caterers and trying to decide which music you will have, before you get married is a good time to take in one great reality about marriage: it’s not 50/50. It’s 100/100.
The 50/50 idea leads to a lot of conflict, particularly around chores no one really likes doing such as cleaning the kitty litter box and taking out the garbage. Fifty-fifty thinking leads to arguments such as: I did the dishes yesterday so it’s your turn today or how come I have to clean up dog poop in the back yard? I did it the last time. When the dishes don’t get done or the poop not scooped for whatever reason, then both parties are feeling real resentment. Too much resentment and the marriage is on the rocks.
There can be fairness in marriage and a marriage can make both lives considerably better than before but in order to achieve this, all selfishness has to be left at the door. There are lots of times when one person can give more than the other and there are situations in which one person will always give more than the other.
When both parties give at the unselfish 100% level, then everything that needs to get done will get done but the more important thing is that these things will be done without resentment or score-keeping. This does more for the long term health of the relationship than almost anything else.
Fairness in marriage is achieved when both people recognize the sacrifices the other person is making in the interest of the relationship. That ups the ante for kindness. This happens when people feel gratitude that necessary tasks are getting done and that even some unnecessary nice things have happened, thoughtful extras such as a bouquet of flowers, a back rub, supervising the kids while the other person has a quiet bath with a good novel, support and listening when work is difficult, a gift of a much-coveted power tool, a special dinner for just the two of you. At this point in the relationship, it becomes easier to do the less-desirable tasks because you know your work will be appreciated.
How do you get to this point? The secret is to keep doing what needs to be done to keep everything moving along. Treat the other person the way you want to be treated. Okay, a husband probably doesn’t want flowers, but a gift of something he likes sets an example he may choose to follow.
It takes time to get to this point and often it takes gumption to keep on doing things we really don’t want to be done and a great deal of self-restraint to avoid expressing resentment when you know that expression will only delay the arrival of peace.
The future with your spouse can be long and happy if you can do the short term things that are not fun but things which build your marriage instead of tearing it down.