Self Help

In most cases, men typically assume that once a woman is fulfilled and content with the relationship, she should stay that way. He thinks that once he has proven his love for her, then she should know it forever. She should feel secure with him, regardless of what happens, without ever needing to be reassured or reminded. While this point of view is obviously different from what women think, from the male point of view, this attitude makes perfect sense.

Here is when trouble sets in, because women find this attitude absolutely hard to accept. It is just plain inconsistent with their internal reality. And like all people who want to be and feel loved, women need to be reassured that she is special, that she is worthy, understandable, and of course lovable. This is no different for men. They also need to be reassured, but they get encouragement mainly through their work. Women, however, primarily need reassurance through the relationships they are in.

When a man’s work fails, he begins to doubt his worthiness. In a complimentary way, when a woman is ignored by her husband, she begins to doubt her worthiness. She needs a constant supply of verbal signs, symbols, and ongoing reassurance from him that he loves and cherishes her.

If a man is in a relationship, he isn’t regarded to worry about rejection unless it actually happens. He does not consciously feel a need to be reassured because his successes in the world in which he works gives him that reassurance. And as a result, he doesn’t readily respect a women’s ongoing need to be reassured.

His focused reasoning goes something like this: “Even though I am preoccupied with my career these days, my wife should already know that I love her today, tomorrow, and all of the days after that, unless I tell her differently.” To a women this is just as absurd as the following comments would be to a man: “Even though my husband is broke and out of work, he should now that he will be rich with money again, because he was rich at one time before the business went bankrupt” or “Although he came in last today, he should know he’s a winner because at one time he did win his major yearly tennis tournament.

Certainly a man’s failures challenge him to realize his worth independent of his successes, but it is equally true that as he follows his failures with increasing success, his sense of self-worth is strengthened. As his business failed he must regroup himself and try again. As he begins to succeed, his confidence becomes more solid. Through a series of setbacks, the man who is able to try again strengthens his self-esteem.

A women’s self worth is challenged when her partner withdraws. This painful experience is a time to center herself and realize her worth independent of his love. However, it is equally important that her feelings of insecurity are followed by reassurance and support from her partner.