Self Help

Begin with an explanation of how the other person’s thoughts and feelings affect you. Avoid blaming and being self-defensive as much as possible. Doing this initiates the crucial connection between another person’s private world of experiences and your own.

The objective here is not to analyze or pass judgment on another’s viewpoint, in which you worked hard to grasp to begin with, but to let them know how it influences your own thoughts and feelings. If your reaction is strong, you will likely experience some temptation to blame the other person for any bad feelings you have, or jump into a self-defensive stance because you perceive their viewpoint as an attack on you.

Resisting this temptation as much as possible means trying to come up with words that will do justice to your strong feelings without misusing their energy to mount an offensive of your own. You might say something like:

1. “I hate the fact that you’re so upset, because it makes me upset, too. I hope we can try to understand and not criticize each other. While I state my case, I’d appreciate it if you alert me to anything that sounds like I’m blaming your for the problem, because I know that won’t be productive.'’

2. “I have to admit that I’m surprised to learn you’ve been feeling so hurt/angry/resentful about this situation. I feel badly about it and I guess I have some catching up to do. I’d like to get a better understanding than we’ve had so far and I’m pretty sure that blaming each other won’t do any good. ‘’ Or: “Well I’m not at all surprised by how you feel about this problem. I ‘m pretty disturbed about it myself, but knowing exactly how you feel makes everything a little less confusing. Now that I understand you better, let me see if I can tell you my side of things without getting too defensive. I’ve been down that road before, and it doesn’t lead anywhere. ‘’

3. “If I would have understood you this well before, maybe we would not have this problem right now. I appreciate your honesty. What you’ve said is going to have a big effect on my whole point of view, so keep in mind that what I’m about to say is already becoming outdated. But up until I heard you out today, this is how I’ve been looking at things.'’

This last alternate approach addresses the possibility that the understanding you’ve reached of another’s viewpoint. Of course you will feel some awkwardness in admitting that your opinion and feelings are changing even as you speak, but you shouldn’t assume this to be a sign of weakness on your part. On the contrary, it is a sign of admirable openness, flexibility, and sensitivity to the needs of others.