Self Help

1. Show respect by encouraging your children to make choices. When it is time to make a decision, give them a choice of two alternatives that are acceptable to you. This gives practice in making choices and makes children feel they have control over some things. For example, say, “It’s 7:30 and bedtime is eight o’clock. Do you want to play for another 15 minutes, and then take your bath? Or do you want to take your bath, and then play until bedtime?” Or say, “Here are two dresses that are appropriate for church this morning. Which do you want to wear?” Or say, “Thanks for helping me with the dishes. Do you want to wash or dry?”

You can eliminate some of the power struggle arguments by using this technique. This approach allows children to choose from acceptable alternatives, which makes them feel included. It also gives young children lots of practice in making decisions - something most adults learned in later adolescence or young adulthood.

2. Be Sensitive to your children’s feelings. Don’t talk about their problems to your friends in front of your children. There may be a good reason to seek advice from a friend, but do it privately and ask your friend to keep the information confidential. If your children feel that you are telling everybody about their problems, they may feel betrayed and less inclined to share future problems with you.

3. Ask your children to share a problem they have with another person. Then work together to develop a resolution that is consistent with your values. Think of ways to deal with issues honestly, demonstrate loyalty, act courageously, and do it all with kindness. Evaluate the pros and cons of each idea. Let your children decide which approach they will take and when. Invite your children to report back to the family on the results. If the results were less than satisfactory, encourage them to try another approach.

4. Encourage your children to develop good decision-making skills. One way is to let them make some of the decisions when grocery shopping. You can set the parameters of the decisions: “Which of these three desserts shall we buy?” “Which of these green vegetables shall we buy?” “What fruit do we want?” Making decisions that have mealtime consequences is good practice for children. This helps them understand that decisions always have consequences. Older children can learn to make thrifty decisions by using coupons, comparing price per ounce, and checking the price differences between cuts and kinds of meats.