Self Help

At one point or another we all have known a woman who is hurting as she goes through a painful divorce. Perhaps it is a good friend of yours who needs help. But how can you help her? Well each woman’s situation is different, but the following ideas should help most friends and families help those who are suddenly separated:

1. Listen, but don’t push your own agenda. Unless you feel your friend is making a grave mistake that will jeopardize her safety, finances, or legal standing, keep quiet and merely lend an ear. Be available for telephone chats at most any hour. Have patience, for you may hear the same ruminations, regrets, or fears until your friend works them through.

2. Offer kind gestures without being asked. If your kids and hers play well together, schedule play dates. Treat them to a movie or park outing when you know their mother has so much on her mind she can’t even think of entertaining her children. Drop off a cheer-up gift of bubble bath and tea. Even a home-cooked meal says you care.

3. Provide companionship. Particularly if she’s the only adult in the house, your friend will get lonely. Holidays and birthdays are hard that first year. Having a friend takes the oneness out of them. If you fear she’s sitting home alone, invite her to a movie or over to chat on your couch.

4. Call daily just to say hi and let her know you’re concerned. Also, sending an occasional card to lighten the day sure beats nasty legal letters and bills.

5. Help with objectivity, as best you can. When overwhelmed, none of us is qualified to make too many important decisions all at once. Be a sounding board for practical matters, and always keep your discussions confidential.

6. Accompany your friend to court, a doctor’s appointment, a women’s shelter, or anywhere else you know she needs to go but is upset about.

7. Ease her financial burdens by sharing. Offer clothing your children have outgrown. Provide baby-sitting so she can save the expense. Share the harvest of your garden when it yields more vegetables than you can consume. If you can afford it, buy a book or magazine you know would encourage her. Little things like these add up, and presented as friendly gestures, they won’t affect her pride.

8. Reassure her that this too shall pass. Reiterate that her marriage is only one aspect of her life that continues no matter what. Encourage her to take care of her own needs with good exercise, diet, and health care.

9. Intervene if her condition worsens. Call her doctor or therapist if there is talk of suicide or alert other friends to check in on her too, once in a while.