Self Help

How a baby or toddler reacts to divorce depends, of course, on a number of variables no studies can pinpoint. No two babies are alike. Each is born with his or her basic temperament already in place, his own pattern of eating, sleeping, and eliminating. That basic temperament will help determine how the baby, child, or even adult will react to any stressful situation that calls for adaptability. The baby at birth is already a blueprint for what will come later.

Though the temperaments of babies may differ, the need for consistency and affection during these first delicate years is universal. In visitation, a baby under two should not be moved back and forth between the homes of his divorced parents, for example, but should stay put in one place and have the parents visit him.

A baby should also have as consistent a relationship as possible with one adult (referred to in psychological jargon as the “primary caretaker”), as young babies develop human attachments by bonding to one person. Many people in a baby’s life are fine, so long as there is one constant person. But even caring parents are not above using their babies as pawns in their divorce wars. I once read about a story of a four-month-old baby who is regularly “kidnapped” by each parent from the other. The mother says she’s the best parent and the baby belongs with her. The father says the baby is better off with him because the mother, who had postpartum depression, is crazy and he and his girlfriend can make a better home for the child. But the truth is that this baby, who was born prematurely, needs bonding more than ever, and neither parent is consistent.

A single parent should also make every effort not to over or under-parent a baby. Babies need stimulation and affection, but they also need calm and rest. The preoccupied parent who responds slowly to the baby’s cries of distress or hurries his feedings can make the baby tense and irritable. Conversely, the parent who clings to the baby for his or her own solace can transmit that adult anxiety to the baby, resulting in the same tension and irritability. Too often in divorce, the parent’s distress becomes the baby’s distress as well.

Where the parent is too distracted or depressed after divorce to effectively care for a baby, or where divorce forces many changes in a household, the baby may be better off lodged temporarily with a relative or guardian until the single parent is really ready to take on full-time parenting responsibilities. Though the parent may feel guilty about not feeling able to cope, it is far better for the baby to live securely outside the home until he can return to his own, restabilized one.

Babies have a remarkable capacity to endure, however, in spite of early stress. Countless children, after all, grow up whole and strong in spite of their early childhood circumstances. And even those babies who suffer from emotional neglect do not have to carry a life sentence. According to child development specialists, the effects of early childhood neglect can be reversed if the child’s circumstances improve between the ages of two and six.