Self Help

Because body language often speaks louder then words, a “posture of involvement” is extremely important in listening. Each region of the body can be oriented in such a way that it invites, facilitates, or holds an interpersonal relation. Or it can be oriented in order to break off, discourage, or avoid involvement. Communication tends to be fostered when the listener demonstrates a relaxed alertness with the body leaning slightly forward, facing the other squarely, maintaining an “open” position and situating himself at an appropriate distance from the speaker.

The good listener communicates attentiveness through the relaxed alertness of his body during the conversation. What is sought is a balance between the relaxedness that communicates “I feel at home with you and accept you” and the alertness or productive tension that demonstrates “I sense the importance of what you are telling me and am very intent on understanding you.” The blending of both of these body messages creates an effective listening presence.

Inclining one’s body toward the speaker communicates more energy and attention than does leaning back or sprawling in the chair. When a public speaker has his audience enthralled, we say, “He has them on the edge of their seats.” The people are not only leaning forward, but are sitting forward in their chairs. By contrast, some listeners slouch back in their chairs looking like propped-up cadavers. How de-motivating that posture is to the speaker!

Facing the other squarely, your right shoulder to the other’s left shoulder, helps communicate your involvement. The common phrase “He gave me the cold shoulder” suggests the indifference or rejection that can be communicated by not positioning yourself to face the other person. Because homes and offices are seldom arranged for good attending, you may have to rearrange some furniture to be able to position yourself properly.

Another aspect of facing the other squarely is to be at eye level with the speaker. This is especially important if you are an authority figure - a parent, teacher, or boss - of the speaker. Sitting on the edge of a desk when the other is in a chair or standing when he is sitting can be a major barrier to interpersonal contact. Parents of young children often comment on how important this aspect of attending is in their homes.

Maintaining an open position with arms and legs uncrossed is another important part of the posture of involvement. Tightly crossed arms or legs often communicate closeness and defensiveness. Baseball fans know what to expect when an umpire makes a call that is disputed by a team manager. The manager runs toward the umpire shouting and waving his arms. The umpire typically crosses his arms in a gesture of defensiveness, communicating that he will not budge from his position and that any argument will be fruitless. The very young do this same thing: they commonly cross their arms when defying their parents, indicating a psychological closeness to their parents’ comments.