Self Help

The art of negotiating generally involves working your skills in order to get what you want from a “one-time” arrangement, or deal. However, when it comes to relationships, there is no such thing as a “one-time” deal. You are working constantly within hundreds of negotiations day in and day out. Here are the differences:

1. You know this person. You know this person’s hot buttons, so you know how to punch below the belt.

2. You can’t walk away. This isn’t like buying a used car. If you don’t get what you want, you can’t just walk down the street and find someone else.

3. You have baggage - life baggage. If your spouse, long-time coworker, or boss turns a phrase that reminds you of one of your parents, all of a sudden you two can end up in a shouting match over a bit of nonsense. You’re no longer reacting to the other person; you’re reacting to some memory from your childhood that was triggered by some word, posture, or tone.

Given these special circumstances, how do you keep your cool in a heated negotiation with a loved one? You have to start with an agreement that everything is negotiable, and that you will work things out. Start by developing some rules for fair fighting. We prefer to call it negotiating, but when things get a bit out of hand, we admit that it’s fighting. How does that happen and what can we negotiate in order to prevent fighting?

You must develop your own set of rules for how to process your differences. On the job, this may be difficult, but within the family these rules are essential. Here are some:

* The After 10:00 Rule: Don’t bring up any super-sensitive subjects after 10 p.m.

* Temporarily walk away: Take an announced time out when things get sticky.

* Don’t be afraid to visit a counselor. A Professional person can help guide a couple into calm seas and give you the tools you need. A good counselor can help you build your own style for resolving conflict.

* Find something to laugh about afterwards. This activity is tough if it doesn’t come naturally, but the results are worth the effort. If you can’t see how ridiculous most of your arguments are, you are destined to continue having them forever.

* Speak up about the things that bother you before they build up to the point at which you are a walking volcano. With loved ones, people tend to wimp out of asking for what they want because they are afraid of an emotional confrontation - usually an imagined emotional confrontation. However, by keeping these issues bottled up inside, you’re just prolonging (and intensifying) the inevitable.