Self Help

What makes assertive people get what they want when they ask? How are they able to bring more success to the table when it comes to communicating and negotiating?

One of the most striking things about assertive people is that they like themselves. They are in a much better position to feel good about themselves than are submissive or aggressive individuals. Although assertiveness isn’t the only factor in building a sense of self-worth, there is much truth to the claim that: the extent to which you assert yourself determines the level of your self-esteem.

A second benefit of assertion is that it fosters fulfilling relationships. Assertion releases much positive energy toward others. Less preoccupied by self-consciousness and anxiety and less driven by the needs for self-protection or control, the assertive person can “see,” “hear,” and love others more easily. Assertion makes you more comfortable with yourself, and therefore others find it more comfortable to be with you. The richest and most wholesome intimate relationships are between two assertive people.

Assertive behavior greatly reduces a person’s fear and anxiety. Research has proven conclusively that learning to make assertive responses definitely weakens the anxiety and tension previously experienced in specific situations. As the increasingly assertive person realizes she can and will gain her needs and defend herself, she does not approach others with fears about being hurt or controlled.

One of the biggest bonuses of assertive behavior is living one’s own life. Your chances of getting what you want out of life improve greatly when you let others know what you want and stand up for your own rights and needs. Assertion, as we teach it, is results-oriented. Observation of others leads us to believe that more of a person’s needs will be satisfied by being consistently assertive than by submissive or aggressive behavior.

There are times, of course, when effective assertion does not succeed in obtaining its goal. But in most circumstances assertive behavior is the most appropriate, effective, constructive way of defending one’s space and fulfilling one’s needs. On those occasions when assertion does not obtain the results sought, it may still be a preferable way of relating.

Assertive behavior has many positives, but assertive people will also pay a price. That price includes disruptions in one’s life, the pain associated with honest and caring confrontation, and the arduous personal struggle involved in altering one’s own habitual behaviors.

Though submissive people tend to exaggerate the number, the extent, and the probability of mishaps occurring as a result of being assertive, negative results may occur. In the realm of work there have been occasions when people asserted constructively and were fired for it. One’s family life can be upset and one’s spouse even seeks a divorce in extreme situations. Another price of assertion stems from the fact that being authentically oneself can sometimes be a painful experience. While authenticity in a relationship makes possible joy and intimacy, it also leads to some conflict. To be assertive involves a willingness to risk dissension knowing that some conflict is necessary to build a significant relationship of equals.