Self Help

Do you interrupt? How much do you talk? A lot? Not enough? Do you need to have the last word? How well do you listen?

Most of us think we are good listeners. We assume listening comes naturally. However, listening is just as complicated as reading, writing and speaking. Listening requires mental and physical activity. We spend 80 percent of each day listening. Listening is our most frequently used communication skill, yet we often feel that it requires no effort on our part.

Research shows that 40 percent of your professional salary is earned by listening. This percentage increases as you climb the professional ladder. Eighty percent of a CEO’s salary is earned listening. Management there recognizes that their employees’ listening skills are not as effective as they could be, even though listening consumes a major portion of the workday.

Skilled listening allows you to step into the other person’s shoes and respond appropriately. An appropriate response restates the speaker’s feelings and content in a way that demonstrates acceptance and understanding - that reflects what you heard the speaker say. A useful formula for reflecting is this: “You feel (insert the word or feeling) because (insert the event or other content that is associated with the feeling).”

Reflective listening only allows you to focus on the central points of the issue, and keeps the speaker focused. Reflective listening also encourages the other person to disclose his feelings, thereby helping him understand his emotions and move toward a solution to the problem.

As you listen, focus on these areas:

1. Listen for the prevailing emotion. Be aware of the emotional elements that drive the speaker and his perceptions. Pay attention to how feelings are expressed in terms of the actual words used as well as by the speaker’s nonverbal communication: his tone, emphasis and body language.

2. Put yourself in the speaker’s shoes. See the issue from his standpoint. Take into consideration all you know about this person’s business and personal life. Is he confronting several deadlines? Is he experiencing personal stress? This insight will give you a clearer understanding of the speaker’s feelings.

Some complain that reflective listening is too structured. When you learn to use it properly, you forget the formula, and reflection becomes natural. Others are skeptical about the feelings that arise when they first begin reflective listening. Awkward and insincere feelings turn into empathy as you practice these skills.