Self Help

5 Techniques You Can Use To Defuse Conflicts & Enhance Communication

Using active listening during an argument is the first step you can take to defuse the situation and solve whatever problems have arisen. Realize, however, that when people feel strongly about an issue, their emotions will influence their ability to communicate and listen. It is important therefore to utilize a combination of active and reflective listening skills. Here are five techniques you can use to defuse conflicts and enhance effective communication.

1. Criticize the issue or behavior, not the person. By dealing with the issue or the behavior, you avoid attacking the other person. If you are “arguing” with your teen about a curfew, stick to the issue of the curfew or to his behavior of breaking curfew. Don’t dredge up all of his past mistakes or call him a “dumb kid who can’t do anything right.” That is attacking the person. It will damage his self-esteem and will only create barriers. Listen to what he has to say and keep him on track if he strays from the issue. Continue to use active listening even if the other person does not. Your use of active listening will help defuse a potentially damaging situation.

2. Realize that each person has worth. It is almost impossible to practice active or reflective listening if you dismiss the speaker as inferior or worthless. You don’t have to agree with him, but it is crucial that you respect his right to a different opinion and acknowledge his sense of value. Find something that the two of you have in common. Try to understand what the other person is saying and why he feels a certain way.

3. Avoid absolutes - right/wrong, bad/good. Phrases like “you always” or “you never” are absolutes that impede communication. An active listener will pick up on these right away and counter with a statement such as, “I hear you saying I always do such and so, but actually I…” The same is true of statements that indicate right/wrong or bad/good. This is not to say there aren’t situations that are right or wrong, bad or good, but in an argument most right/wrong or bad/ good situations are merely exaggerations and the truth is somewhere in between. Sweeping generalizations polarize a conflict. The focus then is not on solving the problem at hand, but instead the focus is on each party effectively defining her respective position.

4. Send “I feel” messages instead of “you” messages. For example, when you say, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” you are sending a “you” message. An “I” message would be, “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.” The “you” message lays blame on the speaker. The “I” message clarifies your concerns. The same is true with your teen. An “I” message would be, “I worry about you when you aren’t home by your curfew,” or “When you come in after your curfew, I feel like you are purposely defying me.” The “I” message tells the other person how you feel about a situation. The “I” message is concerned with the issue. The “you” message attacks the person.

5. Engage your brain and suspend your emotions. This is perhaps the hardest of the five techniques because verbal conflicts by nature are emotional. The ultimate goal is to turn the verbal conflict into a discussion. Verbal conflicts are counterproductive in conducting business and certainly don’t foster a harmonious home life. Instead of letting your emotions take over, ask yourself, “How can I help solve this problem? What solution is best for both of us? What can we change? You need to control your emotions for the sake of the issue. Listen actively and nonjudgmental.